Monday, October 3, 2011

My plea to fellow restroom patrons...

This ALWAYS happens to me.  I'm out somewhere in public...and I have to use the bathroom.  I stroll into the Ladies Room, and all the stalls happen to be occupied...except one.

Thinking I've scored by not having to wait, I eagerly walk over to the stall and latch the door...then I turn around and see what I refer to as "Sprinkles."  Dots of pee.  All over the goddamn seat.  And now the shit of it is now I'm stuck.

"Why?" you ask? Because in the few seconds it took me to notice this ......several women have now flushed their johns and exited the stalls.  So if someone sees me leave, they'll think I pissed on the pot.  And I do mean that literally...On the pot.  Not in.

And how the fuck does a woman get sprinkles on the seat anyway?  Does she hover over the john balancing herself as she holds up her skirt?  Does she pose like a downhill skier?

Then I get to thinking what I'd like to say to the previous (sprinkling) perpetrator who left me with this mess..."What the hell is your deal?  Do you have an aversion to paper seat covers?  Huh?  HUH?  Why not take a moment for the rest of us and use it?  What, got a problem with that? HUH?  Need a tutorial?  Better yet, I'd be happy if you just improved your aim you goddamn ingrate!!!  I'll bet there's pee all over you legs too.  You're gross!  Who ARE you?  Did you just sell me an Auntie Anne's pretzel?  Are you super dressy so no one suspects you?  I'll bet that's what your strategy is, isn't?  Yeah...YEAH...Miss 'Don't look at me, I'm all fancy and therefore I don't wiz generously on toilet seats.'"

Anyway...I digress.

So please.  To the women making sprinkles on johns...Please remember this simple phrase, will you for fuck's sake?  Ready?

"If you like to hover, please clean the cover."

Do it.  I don't enjoy making the equivalent of a toilet paper boxing glove around my hand so I can clean your pee.

See ya....

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