Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Maybe It's Her Shoes.

So a family friend of ours who was our neighbor in Colorado had a distant elderly relative who just happened to live near us in our new locale of Northern Virginia.  We didn't know her.  Never met her.  But somehow my parents thought we should go to her home for dinner.

On the drive over my parents gave strict instructions..."No fighting. Mind your manners..or plan on dying later..."  That kind of deal...We knew to be on our best behavior...

I realized as we approached her estate that this this lady was loaded.  The home was a mansion... The biggest house I've ever seen in my life.  And she lived there all by herself.

As all of us entered my parents introduced us one by one...all six of us kids...I was somewhat humored thinking she'd never remember six kids' names...but she seemed pretty coherent for an aged lady.

After about 10 minutes of mundane small talk, we sat for dinner.  Being that she was a rich spinster I had really high expectations for a lavish dinner...So imagine my surprise when she served our meal.

"Spaghetti"...And to clarify?..Just the pasta part...topped with canned baked beans.  What the hell lady?  Did we look like we just deplaned a box car?  Hobo food.  I tried to keep my "What the Fuck!" facial expression in check as I choked down the beans.

Anyway, as we quietly continued to eat, my youngest brother decided he was all for seconds.  He politely asked if he could have more pasta.  The old lady dropped her fork and looked around as though she wasn't aware she was seated in a chair.

As she rose we heard a loud noise...A really loud noise.  A fart.  My little brother shot a look to my parents who were now glaring at him...thinking he tried to lighten the mood by expelling some gas.  He stood wide-eyed as he shook his head and mouthed frantically, "It wasn't me!" and pointed to the old lady as she walked to the kitchen...Farting all the way down a long hallway in concert with her footsteps.

Quite impressive really...Like I said, she had a huge house so I'm guessing she farted the length of a football field...but walking...that's a lot of farts.

It was at that stage of the dinner that none of us made eye contact with the other...Knowing we'd lose it as far as laughing...Amazingly we were able to keep a straight face as she returned with my brother's second helping, seated herself back at the table, and continued to vociferously fart throughout our meal.

We continued to dine and visit as though the farting noises emanating from her old ass was nothing unusual for first time guests to hear.

Faces were kept straight until we said good night later that evening and loaded into my parents' van.

All it took for everyone to laugh the entire ride home was for me casually say, "Anyone notice anything unusual aside from serving baked beans on spaghetti?"


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