Monday, August 1, 2011

What I'd do on an Outlet Mall Tour Bus.

So yeah, I've been to outlet malls...Who hasn't?  My favorite store at the outlets?  Williams Sonoma hands down...and I like the kid clothing shops.  But I had a thought as I cruised the parking lot looking for a spot that was less than 1 kilometer away...I passed an Outlet Mall Tour Bus.

And I thought..."What kind of person wakes up one day and decides they'd enjoy that experience?" I mean, really...I'm all for a good bargain, but a tour bus?  Get real.

Then I thought about what I'd do if I was on one of those tour buses.

First, I'd probably bitch about the bus ticket price.  I'd use phrases like, "Geez Louise!  I'm here to shop outlets!  Dontcha think this ticket a bit pricey? Cutting into my outlet savings aren't you? I mean, what, am I the only one stuck with the fuel bill here?  I mean 42 bucks?  Hey everybody!  Apparently the gas in this blimp on wheels is MY treat!  Enjoy yourselves!"  I'd give this speech to the driver as the other riders sweltered in the heat waiting to board....Then I'd go sit down...

And initially I'd probably ride quietly without saying much then I'd begin complaining about lack of beverage service.  "Where's the bus stewardess?" I'd yell to the driver.  He'd probably ignore me and I'd ask again, "Hey DRIVER?  Am I on 'Survivor' or what?  I'm parched over here!  Anybody heard of water or does that cost extra?  If it's an upgrade I want it for my 42 bucks!"  Then I'd whisper to the passenger next to me, "I vomit when I don't get enough water so I apologize in advance.  Wait, there aren't motion sickness bags...crap!"

Then I'd try to start a discussion about experiences with outlet shops.  I'd start off by saying, "God do I love the GAP outlet.  No one will ever know they make a different line just for outlets."  And people on the bus would begin to get pissed.  "What do you mean it's not the same stuff?"...Then I'd look surprised they didn't know the gig and would say, "You really don't think the truck that delivers $50 sweatshirts to GAP in the regular mall actually takes those same sweatshirts, knocks off a cool 50% and delivers them to the outlets do you?"  Then a mini brawl would ensue until I agreed that the same clothing was indeed sold at retail GAP locations.

Then I'd complain about bunions* and ask the driver if he could please drop me off in front of the Mikasa outlet because I can't walk that far and I love Mikasa china and always wanted this one special pattern and that if I walked too far I might trip because my right toe is extremely disjointed to the right and who wants to see me fall and break all my heirloom china.  Oh, and I'd point to the toe through my orthopedic sandals** and say, "See?  SEE?  Looks painful doesn't it Mister Man?"...

And lastly?  After all that complaining I'd board the bus the end of a day with a shitload of Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory fudge...maybe some Harry and David fruit too.  Then I'd bore everyone about how I talked the guy out of charging me for an extra 1/2 pound of fudge and how good it felt to 'stick it to the man'.

What do you think?  Should I try it?  I'm always up for a good dare...

See ya'....

*I don't have bunions

**I don't own a pair of orthopedic sandals.

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