Friday, July 15, 2011

"Guess who's coming to visit?"

Ever have a family friend who your parents seemed to love more than you?

My nemesis was Paige Morris.  That bitch outdid me on any and everything...I'm using her real name here because I know she likely lives in an area of Ohio that doesn't have Internet access...North...Near whatever Great Lake is up there...who cares...

My mother used to give me the heads up on her family's arrival...usually a month before.  "Trina, guess who's coming to visit!  Paige and her family...Be sure to have your room cleaned, ok?" "Yeah, ok Mom," I'd think to myself, "You mean the room I have to share with my slob of a sister?  Because Paige has her own room, remember?"....

Her family would coincidentally 'vacation' in any state my family happened to be living in at the time of their plans...And wouldn't you know they planned a stop in our town and would we mind them staying with us.  Cheap bastards...

Exclusively for you...a brief timeline of why I dreaded her visits:

1976:  Paige and her family arrive to my family's home in Longmont, CO.  Paige has mastered the art of going underwater without holding her nose.  She does a summersault into my pink pool.  Tells me to try...doesn't tell me to blow bubbles with my nose upon entry in water.  I executed the summersault...then choked on water for a good 3 minutes.

(*Should also note here that at this visit Paige had nicer underwear than me too.  Bragged about her "Day of the Week" underpants.  Embroidered cloud on the front stating the day of the week the pair was to be worn. I admired them as I stood in my kid sized equivalent of reinforced training pants worn up to my navel.)

1980:  Paige plays piano better than me.  We give a concert for our parents in my mother's living room.  I chose the song, "Swinging Along"...fucked up the second line..She gets accolades.  I was told to practice more.

1983:  Lexington, KY  Paige is a cheerleader.  I tell her I made cheerleading Colorado...the state I just moved from.  Her reply, "That doesn't count."

1986:  Paige and I are now in high school.  She's looking a little more well fed than usual.  This pleases me.  She also has a picture of her boyfriend she props on my nightstand for her stay.  He looks like Yanni.  This pleases me further.

Current:  Paige got knocked up by Yanni about 3 months after I last saw her. She has also decided to go redneck.  Lives in a double wide (that's fancy for "trailer park") in Northern Ohio.

How the mighty have fallen...(ear to ear grin)

See ya....


  1. Sounds like she was from Cuntucky.

  2. My comment (before 1986 and the knocked up part) was going to be : she will probably have a daughter similar to her now but she will get knocked up at the age of 15 ! Karma !! Praise the Lord.
    Wonder how Yanni looks have evolved nowadays ; I guess something like this ->

  3. I'm going to search for her on Facebook.

  4. Oh Jesus, I cannot even comment because I'm laughing so hard.

  5. Tommy - haha..."Cuntucky"

    Zibbs - Do it. Let me know if you find her so I can friend her...then unfriend her after I'm satisfied she's aged worse than me.

    Smedette - haha..Glad you enjoyed!

  6. Hey! Yanni's was the first concert I EVER attended! He's hot.