Monday, February 28, 2011

Oh, is this fitting room occupied?

Back in the day when I worked in corporate, I’d enjoy some downtime after work by shopping.  One of my favorite stores at the time was Ann Taylor.

I always got a snobby vibe from the salesgirls at Ann Taylor.  As soon as I walked in, I felt as though they were sizing me up as a big sale or not and I’d receive service accordingly.  They were the beautiful, popular crowd.  I felt like the shy girl who needed to win their approval….almost as though I was rushing for membership in their Ann Taylor sorority.  Bitchy staff, but I liked their clothing.

One day after a particularly exhausting day at work, I decided to pop in to check out Ann Taylor’s new spring line.  I was exhilarated at the prospect of shedding my heavy, dark colored winter clothing for something light and fresh to herald spring’s arrival. 

As I breezed through the doorway, I got the usual stares from the sales staff and a half hearted “Can I help you?” “No, just checking out your new spring clothes!” I replied. I was immediately drawn to a cute pair of white dress slacks… "Ooooh! I love!  Maybe with a nice colorful top…it’ll be a hit at the office” was my train of thought as I grabbed my size and headed to the fitting room. 

I yanked off what I now viewed as my drab, grey wool dress pants and proceeded to unclip the breezy white slacks from the wooden hanger.  I slipped in my left leg…"So far so good!" I thought to myself as I envisioned the top I’d buy.  I then grappled to keep my balance as I slid in my right leg…."I think we have a winner here folks!" I thought as I grinned…Then proceeded to pull the pants up….

Only they wouldn’t go 6 inches north of my knees.  I did a little jig by alternately bending my legs in my frail attempt will them on me.  “What?  What is this bullshit? How can this be?” went through my head.  The cut was completely awful…How bad?  I looked in the fitting room’s three way mirror for a nearly 3D view of  the train wreck. 

What did I see?  The two spheres of my ass were perched upon the waistband like two loafs of dough on a baker’s rack.  The pants puckered under the girth of my thighs.  Because I couldn't fit the pants over my hips, the bottoms of each pant leg puddled onto the floor, completely hiding my feet.  It was at this point of revelation that the dressing room door suddenly swung open. 

There stood a tall perfectly dressed blond who seemed as surprised to see me as I was her.  I was sure the pants that were now cutting off my blood supply would have hung off her like a potato sack.

As I stood there with pants strangulating my thighs and my ass hanging out, she didn’t apologize and offer to return.  She instead struggled to keep from laughing as she said, “Oh!  So sorry!  I didn't realize this fitting room was occupied!  I just need to clear these, do you mind?" She was smirking as she pointed to clothing left by the previous occupant.

I was a deer in the headlights.  All I could say was, "Uh, sure, ok.." as she fanned the louvered fitting room door during her three trips to gather all the garments. Me, standing there.  Stunned. My ass, in a three way mirror, for her and any other Ann Taylor clientele to see if they happened to walk by at the time.

She ended her trip by finally asking me how I was doing on sizing...Like she didn't fucking know...

I was so mad I peeled off the pants and walked out.  I'm sure they died laughing.  Given what I looked like in those pants, can't say I wouldn't have done the same.

No, I never went back to that store...

See ya...

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