Thursday, February 10, 2011

Have a nice day, please try again, OK?

You'll be amazed to know I worked in a medical testing facility....for humans.  That's right.  Homo Sapiens...people like you and me...kind of...

You know those little advils or aspirin you take?  The medical companies have to know absorption rates so they can tell patients how often to take their meds...At least, that what we were told and chose to believe.  I mean, would they really get volunteers if anything bad were to happen?  Don't answer that...People got paid big bucks to do this stuff...Of course they'd still want to participate.

My job entailed answering the phone to screen potential candidates for our studies.  People had to meet certain weight and medical history requirements.  Unfortunately, most of the individuals who wanted to participate really had manure in the cavern between their ears.

Here was a typical conversation:

Me:  "Medical Studies!  This is Trina...How may I help you?"

Hungover/Borderline drunk person:  "I wanna apply fer a study"

Me (rolls eyes because I know person is calling from bed at noon):  "That is great!  Thank you for your call!  Let's see what study you qualify for...Now let's start with your weight..Can you tell me your weight?"

Hungover/Borderline drunk person: "I dunno....been years since I weighed myself...let's say 250 lbs..."

Me (now completely grossed out by fat drunk dude calling me from bed):  "Oh!  I'm so sorry!  The requirements for our study stipulate that your weight must be between 175-195 pounds.  Please feel free to call back for another study" (Me thinking: "Like when we start checking absorption rates of Big Macs you fat lazy fuck).

Hungover/Borderline drunk person: "Oh, uhhh, did I say 250 lbs?  I meant 195 pounds."

Me:  "Sir, you just told me you weighed 250 pounds.  You don't qualify for our study.  Pleeee.."

Hungover/Borderline drunk person (interrupting): "Nah, nah....I wuz jist guessin'!  I think I'm closer to 195..."

Me (now annoyed):  "They will weigh you first thing upon arrival sir.  Did I mention you have to be here at 7 a.m.?"

Hungover/Borderline drunk person: (I hear the bed squeak as he finally sits up) "Goddammit, that's bullshit!  Can't I come in later? That's so early!"

What I'm thinking now: "You lazy disgusting hillbilly.  You have no job and you want to sit your ass in our facility so you can get more beer money and you're complaining about the time being too early?!  Kiss my butt asshole!  Do you think I enjoy even chatting with you? Do you even comprehend how repulsed I am just by your voice?  You're probably wearing a dirty wife beater tank, aren't you?  You want to come participate? Well, have I ever got a news flash for you...Try getting your ass out of your mobile home once and awhile and exercise so you lose weight and qualify for our study you worthless bag of balls!"

What I actually say: "I'm sorry sir, I have another call coming in...Please call again when you hear of a study you think you qualify for...Have a nice day."

Then I take the next call...and it all starts again...and again after that....

Sounds like fun, doesn't it?  Later...


  1. Hillbillies. I thought I was the only one still calling people that. :-)

  2. HAHA! Kiss my butt asshole!

    And I particpated in a "cold study" in college. We faked that we had colds and were able to spend the weekend in a hotel and got paid $200. Drank the whole time.

  3. Hahaha! I can totally relate. I worked in research at a university hospital so my screening just involved reviewing charts that were sent my way.

  4. I would NEVER have been able to deal with people like that Trina...I just bowed down to your greatness!

  5. Darius - I've also heard the term 'grit', but hillbilly sounds much more, well hillbilly, doesn't it?

    Zibbs - Cold study...haha...Why am I not surprised? haha...

    Jessica - No human interaction? Where can I apply?

    Peggy - After serving tables, this job was a dream! haha...pathetic, I know...