Thursday, January 27, 2011

My thoughts on restaurant diners...

Have you ever served tables?  I did.  For years.  Here are some of my pet peeves with restaurant diners:

-Don't raise your empty glass of whatever to get your server's attention.  I loved that.  Your begging to get ignored.  Trust me, it'll piss them off and you'll wait longer for your beverage.  Oh, and jingle the ice cubes if you desire zero refills during your entire dining experience.

-Don't wave your arm at your server.  They will ignore you.  I did.

-Don't order fru fru drinks (Pina Coladas, Strawberry Daquiris).  We'll have you tagged as a cheap   tipper and will give you lousy service.  Other clues to a lousy tipper?  Ordering steaks and fish extra well done...Hamburgers are exempt.

-Don't touch your server. I had a guy come up to me once and grab the back of my neck because he was all pissed his dinner was taking too long.  I had management throw him out. (Come to think of it, I wonder what he did for dinner that night, oh well.)

-We know you need water.  It's free, you'll get it.  That's why there are water goblets on your table.  Just shut up about it already.

-Those kids of yours you think are so cute?  We're grumbling in the back about your Crumb Grabber. That's what we call toddlers with no business in a nice restaurant.  Also, we don't think Shirley Temples are adorable. They are a pain in the ass.  I'll load your kid's glass with a ratio of 75% red Grenadine syrup and top it off with Coke.  Have fun getting them to bed...

-If your server is super busy, they could give two shits whether you require "Decaf" vs. "Regular".  We'll bring out the first available coffee pot and tell you it's 'whatever' no matter what type of coffee is residing inside.

-Don't ask me to box up the free shit (rolls mostly).  They'll make the rounds on an unsavory surface before landing in that nice styrofoam container you'll stroll out with.

-There's a fucking reason the hostess sat you at that table.  What, do you move your dining table to various locations in your home?  I didn't think so...

-Hey Early Birds.  We hate you.  Take a nap, swig some Geritol and show up at normal dining hours.  No one eats dinner at 4 p.m.

-Don't speak a foreign language and assume we don't know what you're saying.  I busted some businessmen talking about my age and whether they thought I was married.  I approached the table and asked them (in French) whether they'd care for another round of drinks...and that I was single.  They nearly died of embarrassment.  But I did get a good tip!

-The dessert tray is fake douchewads.  What, you think we make a fresh round of desserts just to show you what's on the menu?  Also, don't order a sundae.  I have to make it and will consequently hate you...

-Your table is covered in dishes from appetizers through desserts because you said something rude and I want you to eat amongst mountains of plates.  Enjoy it butthole...

-And lastly?  Tip me bad when I've given great service?  I'll remember next time you're in.

I think that about covers it....


  1. I judge people by how they treat their servers and how well they tip, too. You want the love mommy never gave you? Buy a dog. You want to be treated like royalty? Find a hooker. You want to be condescending? Claw your way into management, it doesn't take half a brain.
    And most of all, if you can't afford to tip well unless the service is downright awful, that's why Birdseye invented TV dinners, for cheap fucks like you.

  2. Well said Tommy! And hilarious at that...I nearly spit out my coffee...HAHA!!!

  3. Oh, Trina I've so been there/done that! You were spot on...except I worked in a bar so it was worse dealing with diners AND drunks (especially with me being hungover most of the time)...the coffee thing really cracked me up b/c I never fucking paid attention to what pot I grabbed! Haha!

  4. I always tip well and am polite because I know it is a job I could never do. Never.