Macrame is crap.

Hey guys, ever see one of these growing up?  It's an owl.  I wonder if, in keeping with authenticity, these were put away during the day and only hung at night.  Aren't owls nocturnal or something?  I don't know.

How about one of these?

Artistic right?  Also makes watering plants so convenient as it dangles 3 feet above your head.  And look at the plant itself.  Sunlight anyone?  No wonder it's anemic.  Dumb.


What were people thinking?

See ya'...

Dad's Pants

My dad was never one to let stuff go to waste.  Particularly clothing.

Don't get me wrong.  He dressed nice for his job.  Wore a suit.  Perfectly pressed shirt, and conservative tie.  But when the weekend came?  He completely morphed.

Instead of his contact lenses, dad would wear his horn rimmed glasses from 1964.  He'd also wear an Ohio State sweatshirt.  That in of itself wouldn't be so bad if it had not turned pale pink from 30 years of washing.  The lettering so worn he now appeared to have earned his degree from "--io Stute Inivsty"

We were were always used to dad's routine.  Even laughed with him about it.  Mostly because everyone knew his actions really burned my mom's ass.

Living in the suburbs according to my mom, meant sizing yourself up against your neighbors...right down to what you wore when you did yard work.  I remember so many times watching her look out the window with total disdain as my dad mowed our grass.

Sure he was shirtless wearing dark socks with tan Bruce Jenner sneakers with his shorts.  But really, it's just yard work right?

I'd sit in the kitchen and smirk as my mom would greet my dad at the door.  "Goddamn it you look like a damn bum!  Would it kill you to wear a shirt?  And take off those socks!  For God's sake!  What will the neighbors think?!"

Anyway...Dad also had some pants as pictured above.  Leisure pants from the 70's.  Groovy right? Mom didn't think so.  She finally had enough of my dad wearing his vintage clothing and decided to make a run to our local Salvation Army.

A week or so later Dad came into the house one evening after returning from work.  Seemed a bit perturbed.  He yells up the stairs to my mom, "Hey!  Did you clean out my closet?"  My mom yells from their bedroom, "Yes, I did because I'm sick of seeing you in those crappy clothes!"

Dad replies bluntly, "Yeah, well, I was walking to my office this morning when I ran into a bum begging for change.  I was pretty shocked to notice he was wearing my pants."

Nothing to add here...



See ya...

Confession: I loved Garfield

HAHAHA!  Oh my GOD!  Is he a stitch or WHAT?!  I LOVED Garfield!

That lazy lasagna loving dog hating cat really tickled my funny bone.  I don't remember when exactly my infatuation with Garfield began.  Maybe 7th grade...Lastest through my 8th grade year I think...Yes, yes, 8th grade year...my friends in Colorado threw me a Garfield themed surprise going away party....Scored Odie to add to my Garfield stuffed animal collection.

I know a lot about Garfield.  He had a teddy bear named Pooky, for example...See him there?  Cute right?  I had a stuffed Pooky too.  Every morning I'd make my bed and artfully display my stuffed Garfield family.  Garfield holding Pooky, Odie...I never had the girlfriend cat pictured above in pink.  Maybe it was subliminal jealousy...I don't know.

I'm happy it brought me a sense of joy back in the 13th and 14th years of my life because for the life of me now?  I don't know why I even read the comic.  I mean, I have a pretty dry sense of humor...I'd like to think I'm somewhat funny.  I'm convinced the comedic section of my brain went dormant for 24 months, give or take.

I mean, really...Do you find this funny?

So fucking dumb, right?  And how did he convince the dog he needed his collar?  And you want to tell me animals communicate via telepathy?  What kind of crap is that?  It's bad enough Jim Davis even created Garfield...but it's a comic strip for God's sake.  Just let the animals talk...Like Looney Toons...Why speak in thought?  Stupid!

Oh and this one will really make you spit out your latte:

Hysterical right? (**Straight face...rolls eyes in annoyance.  Scratches rash she just received**)

If I had a time machine I'd go back to my younger self sitting at my parent's table eagerly reading the Sunday Garfield and whisper the following:


"Hey, shit for brainz.  When you're done wiping your tears of laughter reading this comic strip, you may want to think about your future.  This sucks.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  You'll lose dates when they hear about this.  Hell, you may have just pigeon holed yourself into the Geek rung of your social ladder strata.  Wake the hell up...STOP LAUGHING!  IT'S TOTAL SHIT!!! Oh, and take that Goddamn Garfield family off your bed you bag of balls.  There'll be a thing in the future called Ebay.  No one will want him there either."


See ya...

The Time I Won a Cake.

Ever do a cake walk at a carnival?  No?  WHAT?!  Never?!

Is it ever your mother loving lucky day.  Because whether you want to hear about it or not, I'm going to share my experience.

My elementary school would host a fundraiser carnival every Spring.  My brothers, sisters and I lived for it.

One of the events we most looked forward to was the cake walk.  About 25 large homemade cakes donated by parents were placed on a table.  A lady would hit the play button on a music player and you start walking around the table...BUT WAIT!

Not every spot had a cake.  When the music stopped and you happened to be standing in front of a cake? You just hit pay dirt big time...

I happened to be the lucky contestant once...I won a strawberry cake very similar to the one pictured above.  Doesn't it look divine?  Yeah...I smiled at the other enviously hungry contestants as I excitedly picked up my (literally) sweet winnings.

By now you may be asking, "Trina why the shit were you excited to win a cake?  Your mother never baked you numb nut?"

I have your answer....Winning a cake gave me a boost up the rungs of seniority at home.  Everyone wanted some, but I owned it.  Only promises of doing dishes on my night or making my bed would one be afforded a thin sliver of made-from-the-box goodness.  Parents included....I got a break from practicing my flute.  And dad finally fixed the chain on my bike...

Sweet, right?



Outta here...

Of course we've been brushing!

1978.  Family trip to Ohio to visit relatives.  We spent two weeks there.  My brothers, sisters and I had a ton of fun.

On one of the last days of our visit, my mother comes into my grandparents' living and asks me where all my siblings' toothbrushes were.

I didn't know.  I took care of my own stuff.

So mom goes to the kitchen where my five younger brothers and sisters were seated eating their breakfast and proceeds to ask them...

"Where are your toothbrushes?"....My sister replies, "We left them at home."

My mother was appalled...disgusted...

How could her kids go nearly TWO weeks without brushing their teeth?

Mom says, "You mean to tell Meeeee....that you've gone this ENTIRE time without brushing your TEETH?!"

My sister allayed her fears by saying, "No, mom!  We've been brushing...All of us have been using yours!"

See ya'

Body Lingo was cool...

1979...My grandmother in Ohio sends me a package for my birthday.  I excitedly opened it and was immediately taken with its contents...

Body Lingo Jeans...They are pictured above...Ever heard of the brand? Look at those chics...Full of confidence, happy...

If I remember correctly, they were purchased from JC Penney's...Mine looked at little more special than the ones pictured above.  I had a Cadillac mack daddy version because my Body Lingo jeans had a bright turquoise stripe down each leg.

Cool.

I liken my Body Lingo jean experience to my birth as a roller rink queen.  Body Lingo was reserved for that occasion.  I'd rock my denim and at one point even had a satin jacket...with a sparkly roller skate on the back...Awesome, right?

Yeah, my Body Lingo jeans really gave me confidence as I stood in the rink not skating when the music cued "Couple Skate"...No one asked me.  But still, I took it in stride.  Body Lingo jeans did nothing to improve my backward skate technique either...

My love affair with my Body Lingo jeans came to a crashing end when my brother and I were throwing a football in our street.  He lobbed the perfect spiral throw.  I ran full speed and dove to catch it...on asphalt.  I rolled backwards with ball in hand...elation quickly followed by horror when I saw I ripped two giant holes in the knees.

Bye bye Body Lingo.  Where's that satin jacket?  That stuff always comes back in style right?

Outta here....

I have no idea where that came from....

Spring.  1991.  My college band director decides it's a fantastic idea for University of Kentucky's entire marching band to sit on stage and bore the audience with all half time show music from our always losing football season.

Me.  Sick.  Flu.  Don't need to elaborate much more than I was really really sick with an awful stomach bug.  But as a musician?  Unless you're on your deathbed...and I mean...hospitalized...IV's...the works?  You don't call in sick to a concert.  Period.

So imagine me in my god awful band uniform.  Barely able to stand I feel so weak and sick.  I'm sitting in the front row with all the other piccolo players.  The entire marching band seated behind us.

Stage curtains were closed but we could hear our eager audience filing into the auditorium.  Getting settled.  Busy, but quiet.

That's when a huge bubble landed in my GI tract.  Bubble.  You know?  "That"  I mean.  I could have died in pain or just tight cheek it as I let out a little air...No one will know.  Tiny bit.  Ok, that's better.

Until I quickly realized I released the gastric equivalent of plutonium.  The piccolo player seated next to me was a loud partying sorta gal.  She literally caught wind of my situation.  Sat straight up in her chair in complete astonishment and screams:

"WHO THE FUCK LEFT THE GIANT TURD ON STAGE?!!!"

Can you even fathom how embarrassed I was?  But I had to play it off.  Didn't know whether to laugh (might get fingered as 'the perpetrator') or chime in.

I chimed in.  Yelled with her.  Went full hog so to speak...really said with gusto "YEAH!  SMELLY FUCKER!  GET OFF STAGE! Gotta be the TUBA section!!!"

Glad she didn't think to look to her left and see a red faced flutist.  REALLY good thing no one was close to my back pant seam.  It was steaming.

Outta here!