Believe in Yourself!

I was cleaning this morning and came across this diary...And I stopped for a moment and really stared at it.  Took it all in..studied it closely.

So check it out...Look at the panda.  Do pandas have pupils that big?  I don't know.  I am glad they kept it real with the pink plastic bow.  I also like how the panda is kind of draped over the corner of the book so as to create the impression of "SURPRISE!  You really SHOULD believe in yourself!"

Maybe the panda is meant to inspire.  Aren't they from China?  I think one panda name I can recall is "Ling Ling"..or maybe "Chi Chong Walla Walla Ding Dong"..No, that may get a little long winded for the zoo keeper but admittedly fun to say.  I digress...

Anyway, maybe the writer in this diary will get dreamy eyed and think of Pandas delicately picking bamboo and eating it...Or a Panda getting all cute and clumsy as it does little somersaults in captivity.  These thoughts, in turn would inspire the writer to really get "pen to paper", so to speak.

Texture is key too.  With the exception of the plastic "Believe in Yourself!" lettering, the exterior is covered in soft fuzz.  Maybe unused carnival prizes are stripped down and used as the cover.  Perhaps picking up a regular hard bound book is too jarring to the mind vs. the fluffy exterior that conjures up creative thoughts.

I really am all for inspiring people to believe in themselves.  Still trying to figure out what Pandas have to do with it.  I'm going to keep thinking...

See ya...

My Bionic Woman Doll

I'm not gonna lie.  I was a huge fan of Barbies.  Even had a plastic wardrobe box to store my dolls and their clothing.  I had Skipper too...the pre-pubescent Barbie...for some reason the manufacturers felt Skipper was also too young for bendable legs too.  Never got that...

Anyway, one of my favorite shows to watch in the 70's was the Bionic Woman.  That "Da na-na-na-na-" sound when she ran or jumped.  So imagine my excitement when they came out with a Bionic Woman doll...sweet!

I think I got my Bionic Woman doll for my birthday...I don't remember exactly...But I do recall opening the packaging and pulling her out.  Immediately I pulled up her shirt sleeve so I could roll back the rubber "skin" that revealed the 'bionics' behind her strength.  She was extra flexible too.  I mean just not at the knees like Barbie...ankles, elbows, hands...the works...she was, in my young mind, the Cadillac of Barbies...

Except for one noticeable flaw...I had shit loads of Barbie clothes and Bionic Woman was huge.  Apparently the marketing geniuses at Bionic Woman Doll Inc. thought way ahead on how they'd upsell that broad...make her big.  Giant feet, giant body relative to Barbie.  Even bigger than Ken in case those moronic girls think they can substitute anything.

So my Bionic Woman had one change of clothing.  I remember she had these big ugly yellow espadrilles with a kinda pilgrimish dress.  Dumb.  I soon got bored of her and only used her in reserve to 'rescue' my Barbies as their Malibu Jeep plummeted into a canyon....

"Da na-na-na-na"....


See ya...

I flunked sex ed. Not kidding.

You read that right.  10th grade...Goddamn bitch of a gym teacher who taught "Human Sexuality" as it was called.

Initially I was happy about learning about sexual things related to males and females because it meant I got a 6 week reprieve from gym class.  Sit there and smirk to my friends as the teacher explained menstruation...ejaculation...Male penises...and (shhhh!) "vaginas"....


I pictured myself raising my hand as she used scientifically correct language to describe sex stuff...Maybe I'd ask questions like, "You mean a boner?" or "I don't know what menstruation is...perhaps you mean 'Riding the cotton pony'?"..."Would you say those breasts are A or B cup?  You know, if you were to hypothesize for scientific reasons."   Funny material like that.  The class would break into uproarious laughter as the teacher stood stewing...red faced...

Anyway, imagine my surprise when the class was less about sexual genitalia and how it was used...and more about biology and crap.

I sat at my desk pissed off as she pulled out anatomical models of our pieces parts...then said we needed to remember how to label parts aside from the sexual parts.  Like, the bladder for instance.  Uh, what the fuck is that?  I thought it was supposed to be a sex class...not biology...

Added to the workload was a 3 ring binder we were to keep organized with all assignments, tests, and labeled diagrams.  Perhaps my teacher thought it would come in handy when we were ready for sex.  As though we'd 'cram' the night before we thought we'd get lucky with a date.  Sitting with my "Human Sexuality" binder...doing anatomical drills while pointing to the sex parts..."Goddamn it Trina!  You'll never get a date in college!  That's the gall bladder dumbass!"

Anyway, we were instructed to keep it organized to turn in at the end of the unit.  Which I did...Keep it organized...or so I thought.

I missed a couple days of class because I was violently ill.  Apparently forgot to include those makeup assignments in my notebook...and that dumb bitch gave me an "F"...I mean, it was just a part of my total "Physical Education" grade, but still...I was mortified.

"Trina flunked Sex Ed."  My mom called my relatives to share a good laugh.  Thank God word didn't get out to my social circle at school...

Actually kept it a secret until now...So there you go.

Outta here!

Did you hear that?!

My grandparents are pretty hysterical.  They've been married 65 years.  And for as loving as they are, they can both dish out the sass...

One day I was sitting in my grandparents' living room when my grandmother excused herself, got up from the couch and strolled over to the bathroom.  A minute later we heard a loud, "DAAAAD! DAD!!!!!" from my grandma as she hollered in a panicked tone from behind the bathroom door.  

Grandpa was visibly annoyed and yelled back, "What is it Dorothy?"  

Grandma:  "The toilet squeaks when I sit down!!!!"

Grandpa kinda broke into a smile, looks at me and yells back "I would too!..."

Needless to say he caught hell for that...but we had a pretty good laugh...

Enough said....

Outta here!

My best Halloween Costumes...(in my own mind)

This year I decided to make my kid's Halloween costumes.  Sewing...as in...with a machine...a pattern.  The works.  Dinosaurs...Mac Daddy costumes...Seriously looking good.

Anyway, as I've worked on this project I of course begin reminiscing about costumes I've had as a kid.  And I can honestly say most were so fucking dumb I'm a little embarassed to talk about it.

But here we go...

Pumpkin - A giant pumpkin...went from my neck down to my calves.  As though having a giant pumpkin costume doubled my Halloween fun.  My mother gave the pumpkin extra volume by stuffing it with newspaper.  Looked nice as long as you didn't plan to walk door to door for trick or treating...in the rain...and wind.  I lost a ton of candy inventory that year because I couldn't run as fast as everyone else...all the while, wet newspapers falling out the bottom of the costume.

Included in the get up was the 'stem' part.  It looked kind of like a ski mask...but was made the fabric equivalent of Brillo pads.  Exfoliated the entire upper epidermis of my face and neck...Come to think of it, my face could use it now...

Pumpkin with cowboy hat -  Yeah, so I wasn't on board with the stem from the pumpkin costume as described above, so the next year I decided to omit the stem and leave the pumpkin unstuffed...then wore a brown plaid flannel shirt and a cowboy hat.  You've seen plenty of cowboy pumpkins, right?  I know, "Dumb. As. Dirt."

Witch with her Frog - This festive costume included a super scary rubber witch mask.   It could only be worn in 10 minute intervals before you gagged on your pulmonary exhaust that began coagulating in the non breathable interior.

Somehow I thought my brother's Kermit the Frog with its velcro hands and feet would make the perfect accessory.  He rode on my shoulders...arms and legs velcro'd around my neck.  What the fuck, right?  Yeah....

Black Cat - I think I may have looked hotter than shit in this costume.  I made my sister wear the pumpkin costume that year.  I felt like a sleek glamorous starlet trick-or-treating with Willy Wonka's Oompa Loompa.  I'll always appreciate my sister for helping me stand out that year...

Cheerleader (7th grade) - Ohio State Cheerleading outfit.  First time I was asked to slow dance by a boy...so that was cool...or something...

I'm sure there are more costumes I could think of, but those are the ones I remember the most....

See ya...

"You're right...it IS hot in here!"

I shared a room with my younger sister.  She was seven years old...Because I considered her an invader of MY personal space, I often relished torturing her.

One summer night in Colorado, we were getting ready for bed when I remembered to bring an extra pair of underwear under the covers with me.  I know...sounds weird, but bear with me here...it gets better I promise...

I snuggled in my bed as I watched and waited for her to climb into hers.  As she got herself settled under the covers I casually said, "Man, it's really hot in here!  Think I'll sleep naked tonight."  I saw her turn over in her bed and face me...then she asked, "Are you really going to sleep naked, Trina?"

"Yeah, why not?  I'm burning up!"  I replied...she then said what I had anticipated, "I don't believe you.  Show me your underwear and throw them on the floor."

See?  Am I a genius or what?  Bringing the extra underwear to bed?  Get it?  Good...Let me finish the story here...

Ahem...

So I acted as though I was stripping beneath the covers, pulled the blankets up to my neck and proceeded to stick my arm from the side of the covers.  On the tip of my index finger dangled the extra pair of underwear....bait if you will...and did she ever bite.

She almost sounded relieved as she started stripping and said, "Whew!  Man it is hot!  I've never slept naked before!"

Then we went to sleep.  What she didn't know was I had hired my brother...a "hit man" so to speak to come into our bedroom first thing...paid him with part of my Easter candy stash...

The following morning, he walked into our bedroom, made his way to my sister's bed and we both watched her sleeping soundly under her covers.  I gave the signal, and a split second later, my brother tore off her covers.

She woke up startled and naked...screaming...scrambling for clothing that wasn't there...As my brother and I stood there laughing...clothed.

Man, that was kind of mean...funny as hell though...

See ya.

"So you're not good at that, huh?"

So a few years ago I was on a house hunting tour of Boston with a husband/wife realtor team.  The wife was especially prim and proper...almost prudish in her demeanor.  Kind of uptight...maybe she went to church a lot...I dunno.

Anyway, after touring a bunch of towns, she and her husband were kind enough to treat me to an impromptu lunch they brought in a cooler in the back of their SUV.

It was an impressive spread actually...Grapes, good bread, cold cuts, cheese...and homemade brownies.  Light snacky stuff to tide us over until dinner...

The wife had artfully fanned a bunch of sliced cheddar cheese on a board.  As I reached for a slice of cheese and a cracker she remarked, "Have you seen this?" as she held up a package of Cracker Barrel extra sharp, pre-sliced cheddar cheese...I actually had not and asked where she found it...

She replied excitedly, with her husband standing next to her, "Just at the grocery!  I love that it's pre-sliced for crackers because I'm really terrible at cutting cheese."

(***vinyl record scratch as awkward silence hits us as all of us realize what she just said**)

I felt the corners of my mouth nearly spasm from trying to keep myself from smiling...amused at this prima donna's little fart faux pas statement.  I needed to laugh.  I couldn't control it.

So I pointed to a random robin...maybe it was a crow...some kind of bird...pointed and laughed as it stood still in the street.  As though this bird thinking about the next place it was going to shit was the funniest most animated creature nature had bestowed on the street that day...

I'm sure the husband knew what I was really laughing at.  He probably just didn't want to catch hell.

Outta here....

My plea to fellow restroom patrons...

This ALWAYS happens to me.  I'm out somewhere in public...and I have to use the bathroom.  I stroll into the Ladies Room, and all the stalls happen to be occupied...except one.

Thinking I've scored by not having to wait, I eagerly walk over to the stall and latch the door...then I turn around and see what I refer to as "Sprinkles."  Dots of pee.  All over the goddamn seat.  And now the shit of it is now I'm stuck.

"Why?" you ask? Because in the few seconds it took me to notice this ......several women have now flushed their johns and exited the stalls.  So if someone sees me leave, they'll think I pissed on the pot.  And I do mean that literally...On the pot.  Not in.

And how the fuck does a woman get sprinkles on the seat anyway?  Does she hover over the john balancing herself as she holds up her skirt?  Does she pose like a downhill skier?

Then I get to thinking what I'd like to say to the previous (sprinkling) perpetrator who left me with this mess..."What the hell is your deal?  Do you have an aversion to paper seat covers?  Huh?  HUH?  Why not take a moment for the rest of us and use it?  What, got a problem with that? HUH?  Need a tutorial?  Better yet, I'd be happy if you just improved your aim you goddamn ingrate!!!  I'll bet there's pee all over you legs too.  You're gross!  Who ARE you?  Did you just sell me an Auntie Anne's pretzel?  Are you super dressy so no one suspects you?  I'll bet that's what your strategy is, isn't?  Yeah...YEAH...Miss 'Don't look at me, I'm all fancy and therefore I don't wiz generously on toilet seats.'"

Anyway...I digress.

So please.  To the women making sprinkles on johns...Please remember this simple phrase, will you for fuck's sake?  Ready?

"If you like to hover, please clean the cover."

Do it.  I don't enjoy making the equivalent of a toilet paper boxing glove around my hand so I can clean your pee.

See ya....