The Big Corporate Squeeze Play...

I never envisioned myself settling into a corporate type of career.  In college I was a music major.  I was artsy, creative…a musician…So imagine my surprise when a prominent bank wanted to hire me as a computer programmer.  I had very little experience in IT, but hey, it was a ‘real job’ and was going to pay my bills.  Besides, who was I kidding? I was a broke college student with limited prospects for a job, so I accepted.

Initially I was excited about the idea of corporate life.  I would upgrade my day-to-day attire from jeans and a college sweatshirt to a suit.  I’d have a nice desk stocked with cool office supplies like highlighters, paper clips and pens.  Meetings would enlighten me on banking operations, I’d learn about the real underbelly of ‘Big Biz’.  I pictured myself getting kudos from my boss, recognition for a job well done…and all this while collecting the most money I made in my life. 

Well, I’m sure it doesn’t surprise you I quickly found corporate life anything but exciting.  In fact, I found it a tortuous experience. Eye glazingly boring….One upside to the job was I quickly made some good friends. One friend in particular really stands out.  His name was Jeff.  He and I would sit around my office and grumble about our miserable existence. 

One day, Jeff and I were off to a big meeting.  As was the usual, we boarded the elevator and headed to one of the top floors where it was to be held. Often the elevators were busy this time of day and we expected a relatively lengthy ride as the elevator stopped on nearly every floor to pick up or drop off employees.

As was our luck that day, we couldn’t even bitch about our forthcoming meeting because the top five executives for the bank (as in direct reports to the CEO) boarded the elevator. I was feeling particularly ornery that day and as Jeff and I made our way to the back, I gave him a little ‘watch this’ type of elbow nudge.

In front of us was what I can best describe as five “flat and wide” executive asses shoved into Brooks Brothers’ finest suit trousers.  Unhindered by their position of corporate power, I proceeded to make a squeeze gesture with my hands as though I was caressing their sweet asses.  I mean, my hands were mere inches from their butts.  Oh, and everyone got a pretend feel up.  I started left to right and gave each ass some loving attention.

In addition to pretending to feel them up, I made my eyes as wide as saucers and mouthed, “Wow!”, “Oh my god!”, “Hot!” as though I was completely turned on by the experience.  I glanced over to Jeff who at this point was teetering between complete disbelief and fear over someone seeing my antics.  He had his arms crossed, head down and was completely red as he tried to contain his laughter…

We got off the elevator before the execs did and I gave a polite, “Excuse us” as we approached our floor so we could make our way to the door.  By that point, I could barely talk while keeping a straight face. After the elevator doors closed and the execs were out of sight, Jeff gave me a swat on the back of the head with his folder, but was dying laughing…He also asked I never do that again or he’d go into cardiac arrest.

So, to any corporate big wigs out there?  Watch out!  We underlings know you put your pants on one leg at a time too…Oh, and check behind you when riding those elevators.