Something I found myself humming this fine morning...

Something REALLY odd happened this morning as I was drying my hair.  I found myself humming the theme to Little House on the Prairie....I mean, just out of nowhere...And the really freaky part is the show used to always air Monday nights.

Is my brain hard wired?  I don't know...But decided to look up the intro video...Go ahead.  Take a gander...It's sweet...

Cute right?  But where the fuck where the kids that Paw and Maw were ok cruising in their carriage all over like a couple of pioneering ner do wells?  What would the family meet up place have been?  "Hey kids, meet us at the brushy hillside..The one with trees and tall grass..be sure to haul ass because Paw says the horses are skittish.."

And that third sister...the one who tumbles at the end.  Anyone else think she was the village idiot?  Always wore a shit eating grin...I didn't care for her.

Mary was my favorite.  I'll bet she's still hot.  Even after she went blind and all.

Think that dog is probably dead too so now this intro doesn't seem as happy as I remember.

See ya...

The day I became Dorothy Hamill

It happened in 1979.  I had long hair.  Watched this bitch spin on the ice and decided I had to have hair that moved like hers.

So I cut my hair.  Like Dorothy's.

What I didn't take into account was the quantum physics behind her hair looking so good.  She was an Olympic skater.  She executed serious torque in her spins which in turn made her hair move as pictured above.

I had metal roller skates.  Couldn't quite spin as fast.  I asked my brother if my hair was "like Dorothy's" as I clumsily made a 1-revolution-per-minute circle on my skates...waving my arms to keep my balance as I attempted to bend backwards so the hair would kind of flow outward.

My brother laughed and said it looked like a mushroom.

I proceeded to grow it out.  Dorothy really pulled a fast one on me, didn't she?  Fuck that haircut.

See ya...

"Here you go dear! Congratulations!!"

My sister and I had a funny conversation last night about growing up having periods in my house.  That's right.  Periods.  "Menstruation" for all you medical technocrats out there...Let's cut to the chase, shall we?

I highly doubt many women look back at their younger days of getting their period with starry eyes...fondly remembering running through fields of wildflowers...maybe even taking up gymnastics...Cathy Rigby apparently did all kinds of bendy, flippity do dah shit while she was on the rag.  No...And for as bad as any of my female readers remember the ordeal?  I'm convinced my experience was worse.

So I finally get 'it' and my mother was giddy.  Aside from feeling creeped out by her saying "I can't wait to tell your dad!  You finally got 'it'!" I was equally mortified when she handed me a package of maxi pads.  You may be thinking of those thick maxi pads.  Those qualified as mini pads at my house.  My sisters and I were sentenced to wear Micro Mattresses.

I don't even know to this day where she bought them...probably wholesale...bulk...They were awful.  Weren't even name brand like "Kotex" or "Always"...Just a generic looking puke pink packaging with a lazily drawn daisy on the front...likely drawn by a woman wearing the same pads she was helping promote...poor gal.

Anyway, I had to use them.  Besides, it was only for a few days...How bad could it be?

I quickly learned the trick to a successful period was to remain as stealthy about it as possible.  These pads made that task next to impossible.  You see, as my sister will also attest to, they made a weird "Crinkle crinkle" noise as we walked.  Like crumpling plastic. In my head it sounded like clanging pots and pans...I imagined scenarios of a guy I liked saying something like "Hey everybody!  Listen to that racket!  Trina must be on her period!  hahahahahaha!"..

As I roamed the hallways of my school, I felt as though it was so loud that I had to talk louder than normal for a few days to mute the noise.  "HOW ARE YOU?" I'd yell to my classmates...praying no one could hear the dreaded sound.

And for as thick as these pads were?  They didn't guarantee protection against accidents.  Thankfully I didn't experience what my sister did on her school bus when she stood to leave.  A girl pointed to her ass and screamed, "OH MY GOD!  SHE GOT HER PERIOD!!!"

No...I took measures to ensure that would never happen to me...so I invented what I can best describe as a Maxi Train..three pads.  One in the center, one in the rear practically covering my ass crack, and another in front extending an inch below my navel...This ensured zero clothing penetration even though from behind I likely had the equivalent of an elderly person's ass.  Fuck it...

As I entered high school I realized all my friends had forgone the torturous experience of wearing pads and had moved on to tampons.  So I approached my mom about it.  "Those are for girls who are having sex, Trina.  You can't have them."  End of discussion.  "We'll just see about that mother." was my thought as she gave her blunt reply...as though tampons were sex toys...Satanic...meant only for sluts engaged in sexual debauchery.

Life did get much easier when I finally rebelled and bought Satan's Period Protection on my own.  Easier to hide too given I didn't need a beach tote to carry them in.  Never did tell my sister my secret...

Somebody needed to finish that box of pads after all....

Outta here...

A Water Leak at My Brother's House

I have to share a story my brother told me today.

He said there were big time thunderstorms in his town last week.  There were consecutive "BANG!!!  BANG!!! BANG!!!"'s of lightening so loud that it set all his kid's toys off...then he lost power.

His wife came in and said there was a huge amount of water in their laundry room which was located next to a door leading to the garage.  My brother, worried a hose in the laundry room had burst, hurriedly grabbed his flashlight and knelt in the water to find the source of the leak.

As he's crawling through the water on hands and knees he notices a smell eminating from the water...and suddenly he realizes the source of the water leak.

His 100 pound Akita named Tressel literally had the piss scared out of him during the loud thunder.  And my brother was wading in it.

Hey, at least it wasn't a broken hose.

See ya...

I fainted!

Yes I did!  Took 42 years but I finally did...Last night...I know you're intrigued so gather yourselves, maybe some smelling salts just in case...Here's the story:

I woke up last night and my bedroom was pretty toasty...I hit my iPhone to check the time...1:46 a.m....
Then I proceeded to stand up and walk to the thermostat located behind an armoire.

Initially I hit the "arrow" button to check the temp...77 degrees.  Hotter than fuck.  No wonder my ass woke up...Then the next thing I remember is thinking, "I'll just adjust this down to 7---"

The next thing I remember?  I'm lying on my bedroom floor.  On my right side...Right arm stretched out with my head laying on top...and strangely my left elbow had a kind of "carpet burny/bruisey feel"...strange given I came to lying on my right side.

I should also note my dog is worthless and had there been a fire I would not be here to type this wonderfully insightful blog post.  Given that I rescued her ass, a lick on the face to help me snap out of my fainting spell stupor would have been nice.  You know, like Lassie would have.

Still trying to figure out the carpet burn on the left elbow....I mean, did I kind of fall and then to a "slide into home" type motion that caused it?  Or maybe I just landed on it hard...theories?  I'm at a loss...

Outta here...

What I'd do on an Outlet Mall Tour Bus.

So yeah, I've been to outlet malls...Who hasn't?  My favorite store at the outlets?  Williams Sonoma hands down...and I like the kid clothing shops.  But I had a thought as I cruised the parking lot looking for a spot that was less than 1 kilometer away...I passed an Outlet Mall Tour Bus.

And I thought..."What kind of person wakes up one day and decides they'd enjoy that experience?" I mean, really...I'm all for a good bargain, but a tour bus?  Get real.

Then I thought about what I'd do if I was on one of those tour buses.

First, I'd probably bitch about the bus ticket price.  I'd use phrases like, "Geez Louise!  I'm here to shop outlets!  Dontcha think this ticket a bit pricey? Cutting into my outlet savings aren't you? I mean, what, am I the only one stuck with the fuel bill here?  I mean 42 bucks?  Hey everybody!  Apparently the gas in this blimp on wheels is MY treat!  Enjoy yourselves!"  I'd give this speech to the driver as the other riders sweltered in the heat waiting to board....Then I'd go sit down...

And initially I'd probably ride quietly without saying much then I'd begin complaining about lack of beverage service.  "Where's the bus stewardess?" I'd yell to the driver.  He'd probably ignore me and I'd ask again, "Hey DRIVER?  Am I on 'Survivor' or what?  I'm parched over here!  Anybody heard of water or does that cost extra?  If it's an upgrade I want it for my 42 bucks!"  Then I'd whisper to the passenger next to me, "I vomit when I don't get enough water so I apologize in advance.  Wait, there aren't motion sickness bags...crap!"

Then I'd try to start a discussion about experiences with outlet shops.  I'd start off by saying, "God do I love the GAP outlet.  No one will ever know they make a different line just for outlets."  And people on the bus would begin to get pissed.  "What do you mean it's not the same stuff?"...Then I'd look surprised they didn't know the gig and would say, "You really don't think the truck that delivers $50 sweatshirts to GAP in the regular mall actually takes those same sweatshirts, knocks off a cool 50% and delivers them to the outlets do you?"  Then a mini brawl would ensue until I agreed that the same clothing was indeed sold at retail GAP locations.

Then I'd complain about bunions* and ask the driver if he could please drop me off in front of the Mikasa outlet because I can't walk that far and I love Mikasa china and always wanted this one special pattern and that if I walked too far I might trip because my right toe is extremely disjointed to the right and who wants to see me fall and break all my heirloom china.  Oh, and I'd point to the toe through my orthopedic sandals** and say, "See?  SEE?  Looks painful doesn't it Mister Man?"...

And lastly?  After all that complaining I'd board the bus the end of a day with a shitload of Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory fudge...maybe some Harry and David fruit too.  Then I'd bore everyone about how I talked the guy out of charging me for an extra 1/2 pound of fudge and how good it felt to 'stick it to the man'.

What do you think?  Should I try it?  I'm always up for a good dare...

See ya'....


*I don't have bunions

**I don't own a pair of orthopedic sandals.