Mr. Fung's Thongs...

I used to work retail...in the men's department in fact.  Yep...sure did.  In the sportswear section.  I couldn't advise on ties, but need a Champion sweatshirt in a hue best suited for your skin tone?  "Let's talk"...

One season our department had the great fortune of receiving a huge shipment of neon colored mens thongs...Swimwear.  I guess.  They were disgusting.  I mean...if you're a guy and you're thinking of investing in this type of swim wear...Am I REALLY supposed to believe you tried them on over your boxer shorts?  Nice try, but "No, I don't believe that"...

My coworker was named James and he was equally appalled at the idea of selling swim thongs to a guy.  So imagine our reaction when one day, a 5'2" asian fellow appeared at our register.

"Herro...Ida likea makea return prease..."  he said in broken English...I think...I may be a little loose with the translation...it doesn't matter.  I didn't have to time to over think what he was trying to convey because the next thing I knew there was a pile of 10 thongs in varying colors dumped onto the desk.

I stood fixated...staring at the pile not know what to do or say next.  My friend James was a big help as he spun around on his heel and walked away laughing his ass off.  I could hear him crying with laughter in the fitting rooms.  I wanted to kill him.

How to handle this...I mean without, "handling them"...I went for the price tags.  They were fixated at the waist so I could avoid touching the thongular region that had likely made itself a home up the Chinese guy's crack.

In the meantime I was dying laughing inside...You know those times when you know you're not supposed to laugh?  So it's even funnier?  Yep...This was one of those times...Especially knowing James was wiping tears he was laughing so hard...

So I tried to think of dead puppies as I turned to the asian man and asked, "How would you like these credited?"  and then just busted out laughing...He looked at me kind of confused and smiled as though he didn't know what was funny..probably embarassed...

I pictured him going back home really excited over his new purchase...whipping off his underwear and sliding his little self into those neon thongs...then viewing his ass in the mirror..."Hmm...deese no good!  Not good at all!" as he shoves them back into the bag....

I made James hang them back up.

Nothing else to add...Except, "Gross!"

Outta here....

My school report on Beavers...

I have no idea why this random story popped into my head...but here it goes...

When I was in elementary school we had to pick an animal, write a report on its habitat as well as a creative fictional story.

I was enamored with beavers.  Those buck toothed, flat tailed little tree biters were irresistible to me.  So it went without saying I wrote my report on the little critters.

Well, I wouldn't really say, "little"...If my beaver facts don't escape me, they can grow to a hearty 60 lbs.  Can you imagine holding or petting a 60 pound beaver?  I know I'd be nervous petting a beaver that big!  

Did you know beavers can stay underwater for as long as 15 minutes?  I found that fact really incredible too.  I can't imagine having beaver that can stay under water that long.  You have to be asking yourself whether the beaver begins to look 'pruney'...My answer is a resounding, "No!".  Beavers are furry and have an oily coat that protects them from moisture.

Also, during my research I learned beavers reside all over the world.  Did you know that?  We'll stick with the familiar North American ones.

Beavers also tend to be nocturnal...Meaning, they are usually very active at night.  I was sure to include that fact in my report findings too.

Did you know beavers can hold logs?  Big ones.  They can be strong too.  They like little ones too but being the arduous worker they are, taking on a big log makes them feel good.

To really make my report shine, I was sure to find all kinds of pictures of beavers...Some had slight variance in hair color...Some were big, others small.  I wanted to be thorough.  Pay attention to detail.

I read my report findings to my class.  Explained the parts of my beaver in detail.  Pointed out its fascinating features.  Watched as my classmates looked in wide eyed amazement.

I got an "A" by the way....Beavers rock!

Outta here....