Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Gotta Love That New Car Smell...

I once worked with a guy who was a little challenged in the area of dating.  He was a really nice, but also very shy.  His name was Tim.  Tim wasn’t what I would consider tall dark and handsome, but was a good guy. 

Tim had a major crush on a girl who worked in our office.  Her name was Rachel.  He’d swing by her desk to ask questions about work stuff even though he probably knew more than even she did.  Regardless, he liked her.  A lot. 

One afternoon, he stopped by my desk to tell me he purchased a brand new car.  Never driven, brand spanking, off the showroom floor, new.   He was really excited and couldn’t wait to share the news with everyone in the office, but especially with Rachel…the little hottie he secretly wanted to date. 

A couple of days later, I approached Tim and asked how he was loving his new ride.  He gave me a sheepish glance and asked if I had spoken to Rachel.  “Why would I speak to her?” I asked him, “We don’t even work in the same department”. “Because of what happened yesterday after work.” he replied with an embarrassed glum tone to his voice. 

He continued to tell me how at work the previous day was hectic.  Starvation and a busy meeting schedule got the best of him and he decided to opt for a quick, on the go lunch:  Chili Dogs…Lots of them.  After chowing on his power lunch, he finished his crazy workday, packed up his belongings and proceeded to walk to the parking area where he kept his shiny new car.

Just as he got himself settled into the driver’s seat, he felt his stomach feel bloated and uncomfortable from the multitude of dogs he consumed earlier that day.  He was by himself and thought he’d little out some air…You know…pass gas…fart…however you want to say it.  He said it wasn’t a huge amount of gas but was especially lethal in its strength of pungency. 

As he realized how awful his car now smelled, he proceeded to start his engine and thought he’d have time to air it out on the ride home.  Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, Rachel shows up in the garage…Apparently she had decided to leave around the same time and was headed to her car when she noticed my friend in his new wheels.  “Tim!  Tiiiimmm! WAIT!  Let me see your new car!” she was yelling, running as she waved her arms for him to slow down.

Mortified, Tim said he tried to pretend he didn’t see her, but she proceeded to run up to the side of his car.  The only way to avoid her would be to run her over, so he stopped.  He tried to mouth through the glass that he needed to get home…quickly.  But Rachel wasn’t having it…She proceeded to “TAP!TAP!TAP!” on his window, almost with a sense of urgency. 

Reluctantly, Tim said he really had no choice but to lower the window.  Just as he did so, Rachel jumped through the window, shoving her entire upper torso into his personal foulness. She took a huge breath inward and exclaimed, “OH MY GOD TIM!  DON’T YOU LOOOOOVE THAT NEW CAR SMELL?!”  Just as she finished her sentence, Tim’s fart made its way to her virginal olfactory.  Tim said he sat there, helpless, as she essentially shoved her nose into his asshole.  He said her expression went from excited to having just peeled rotten onions.  She became speechless and ubruptly exited to save herself and told him to have a good night…. 

Needless to say, those two never hooked up after that…..


  1. As I told you, this made me laugh all afternoon.

  2. Zibbs- I'll tell Tim you'd like to carpool..but only after work...

  3. Oh, poor Tim!! But, I laugh at his misfortune.

  4. Holy shit that's funny!

    BTW, Being able to fart and not care who smells it is one of the best fringe bennies of being married.